


>>I hate getting flashbacks from things that I don’t want to remember<<

by SatanicMe



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Anxiety, Child Neglect, Depression, Doctor Tony Stark, F/M, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Maria Stark's Bad Parenting, No Fluff, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, implied alcohol abuse, very sad story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2020-10-13 13:56:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20583605
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SatanicMe/pseuds/SatanicMe
Summary: Clint gets hurt during training, but neglects to inform his team of his injury. When it becomes worse after a slightly fatal mission, he is forced to go to the medical area just to encounter a brooding and pissed off billionaire there.While he’s enduring a lecture, he’s questioning himself...“Where is the doctor?!”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [imawalkingtravesty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/imawalkingtravesty/gifts).

> Just to warn everyone who has not noticed the tags...
> 
> This story contains:
> 
> \- mentions of suicide  
\- mentions of suicidal thoughts  
\- mentions of different ways to commit suicide or to self harm  
\- mentions of depression  
\- mentions of child neglect  
\- implied alcohol abuse  
\- mentions of child death 
> 
> Sadly this story won’t have a happy end or any fluff to soothe over the pointy edges. 
> 
> If you still want to read it despite all the sadness, go on.

The mission was awful. None of them had been prepared and it had caught them of guard. Especially since Clint neglected to mention, that he had a sprained wrist from the previous day, when some strange villain named Doctor Doom had attacked them. 

So when the wrist suddenly snapped and said archer groaned loudly into the microphone, complaining about the pain, while the team on the ground heavily trusted on their watchful eyes from above to support them, the whole mission went to shit. 

Things got even better when the Hydra soldiers decided to show them, what new toys they’ve got. 

It was a long and exhausting battle. 

——-

Later in medical Tony already waited for his teammate to appear, while he sat on a chair in a dark corner. 

“Hey Clint. Guess, you finally decided to see the doctor about your wrist, when it’s already damaged bad enough for you to shoot none of your arrows anytime soon.”

The archer glared at him, as if Tony had thrown an insult on him. 

“Yeah. Maybe. But why do you even care? Shouldn’t you be in your lab, neglecting sleep and nutrients like you always do?”

“You want to lecture me about my behaviour, when it is obviously you, who currently needs medical attention because you did not think it was important enough to mention that you were injured? At least you guys are aware of my problems.”

He hated it. The stabbing feeling. The ongoing echo in his thoughts, that kept repeating ‘What if Clint got killed during the mission?’ 

While Clint glared at him offended, obviously hurt in his pride, Tony tried to keep his own breath steady. 

Now he had no time to freak out. Clint was in pain and was suffering. 

“Where is the doctor anyways? I was told she was here.”

“Oh Doctor Cho? She couldn’t make it today, because you my friend are not the only dumbass on her list. No. I am taking care of you.”

Clint gasped in shock, before he made a step away from Tony. 

“Nope. I am not letting Mister I Let My Stuff Explode Regularly on my wrist.”

“Shut up. For your interest, I’ve got more than one degree that states I can be trusted more with your injury than you.”

“Wait... you are a doctor?” 

“What did I say? Shut up. Doctor’s orders.”

“Just when you tell me why.”

“Why? Well. Once upon a time I had a brother. End of the story.”

“What???”

“If you stay silent, i might consider telling you the whole story later.”

After that Clint, intrigued by the newest revelations did not make a sound anymore. 

———

Somewhere in a hospital a baby was born on the 10th September 1980. The news talked about the newest enemy on the market for Stark Industries, the computer firm Apple, and had an interview with the CEO Steve Jobs. 

In the meanwhile the baby let out just a soft whimper, loud enough to not worry the nurses but silent enough to not put his elder brother on edge, who was holding the hand of his mother in place of the father. 

The father was currently busy with a secret meeting concerning the growing tensions between Iran and Iraq. He needed to because there was a war about to start with the aggressive behaviour over there. 

What was the privilege of witnessing your son’s first breath against ensuring that the world was safe for another day?

The baby’s name was Arno Howard Stark. 

————

Jarvis was currently driving to a nice boring city called Detroit, even tough he had a sick wife waiting for him at home. Surely, he wanted nothing more than to be at her side, but he was doing a favour for his old friend, that was very important and concerning the safety of the United States of America.

Sighing, his eyes wandered above the highway and the greenish blur surrounding him, as he drove pass enormous green fields with trees and grass. 

What would the young Master think, when he came home from the boarding school and he was not here, Jarvis worried. 

It was not the first time the butler had been unable to be there for his wards in times of need. Sadly, between the work he did for the elder Stark and the time he spent with Ana due her worsening condition, Jarvis had barely found enough space to properly take care of Tony and Arno.

He regretted being there for neither, but his loyalty to his old friend was standing in the way and somehow Jarvis still remembered the cunning young man, who had saved his ass more than once and whom he owed so much. 

Maybe after this favour he could finally be there for his family. 

Subconsciously Jarvis knew that even when the favour business with Howard ended, he had to make a difficult decision since the Stark family was far from perfect. 

————

Anton Vanko smiled, as he crossed the Pacific with his suitcase. Fleeing from the country, which had provided him with all a man could dream of and yet not enough was... exhilarating. 

He had found someone, who had an offer, that was worth betraying the trust of his so called coworkers. 

Pathetic Americans. 

Always so naive. Even now, when the relationship between the countries was so heavily strained. 

————-

As she got up, Maria sighed exhausted while her tired bones exclaimed in frustration and her mind cried for more rest. 

Another day starting just quite fine. 

Especially since she had woken up in a cold bed without her husband warming the other half, just like always. 

Of course she would understand, that his work took precedence over her. But Maria had hoped Howard would be at home at least today, when their older one was arriving from boarding school. 

Cynical she slowly moved with her fragile body- almost levitating over the mahogany floor - to the bathroom as a face of a woman greeted her. 

Her eyes were surrounded by wrinkles and an ashy grey colour, while the small line that used to be a pretty heart warming smile just complimented the already sickly sight. 

She tried to smile a little bit, but the only positive expression she managed was that plastered fake smile the press always got, when she was about to shriek like the mad woman she became. 

Sighing, Maria ignored the six different ways how she could end her suffering right now in the bathroom by breaking the mirror to use a shard, borrow Howard’s shaving kit, fill the bathtub with water and use the hairdryer, jump out of the window, put the gun in her mouth her paranoid husband had hidden between the towels or overdose with the good scotch neatly resting in the corner of the room and the pills in the cabinet in front of her. 

That were the ways she could kill herself at the moment without even preparing anything. 

But she had to be strong. Her sons did deserve a mother. Sadly, she could not find any energy doing anything else besides of not dying, what made her feel even guiltier. 

The pills made her always so tired, yet they were the only thing which made life manageable. 

————

“Shit... Sorry... I did not know your mother was suffering from depression. I just... damn this is heavy. Is she the reason why you -“

“No. Well, not the main reason at least. While she had some phases where she would not be seen for several days or even whole weeks, my mother managed to still be the bright soul my father fell in love with.”

“What happened with your brother then, if she had one of such phases?”

“This is a question I don’t like to answer. Sometimes Howard had the fortunate luck of having a break, when the world or his company was not five minutes away of going to shit. In these breaks he would ‘take care’ of Arno. Let’s say he had a short temper and was not very affectionate. So if Jarvis, our family butler, happened to have some time between his tasks, he checked on my baby brother to ensure he was well. I tried as well, but due my mother’s repeating absence, my father’s lacking knowledge, Jarvis filled schedule and my multiple and long trips to school there was neither much space to learn about babies 101 nor to spend time with my sibling.”

“Why do I have the feeling that I don’t want to hear the rest of the story?”

“I think it is because you already have an assumption how it is going to end.”

“Damn it. Your family was fucked up”

“Thanks for the compliment. Take it in consideration whenever you make fun about my unhealthy coping mechanisms again.”

———-

As Anthony arrived at home - Mister Sheffield, the mean grumpy driver had driven him - he encountered nothing more than eerily silence. Odd, but nothing surprising, as he already knew his dysfunctional family. 

Just once he saw one of the maids hurrying down the stairs, carrying a broom, while he was on his way to his bedroom on the other side of the manor. Except of that, nothing happened to cause any noise. 

When he finally had reached his room, Tony turned around and went straight to another bedroom, where the door was not completely closed. 

“Hey Anribear-“, he cooed in soft Italian hovering above the crib, “Your big brother is here. Don’t you want to say hello?”

The smaller boy shook his head, his skin terrifyingly pale and his body trembling below the blanket. 

“Aw come on. That’s not fair. Here I travelled hundreds of miles just to see my little cute teddybear and I don’t get a greeting!”

Dragging the blanket above his head, Arno refused to interact further with his big brother, who had carelessly not noticed the signs of discomfort his brother was having and was confused by the boy’s reaction. 

“I see. You are already being a bit rebellious. Ok. Alright. I lt you sleep. Maybe that will cure that bratty attitude you recently developed.”

Whining almost inaudible to a human’s ear, Arno tried to stop Anthony with his upset begging to stay. 

“Nini...No leaving...”

I

Assuming the boy was just tired, Anthony suppressed any upcoming worries about a possible illness the boy could have. 

After all his father always preached, that people just acted when they were sick and Stark men were made of iron and could not grow sick because of a pathetic cold. 

————

When he came home, late at night, Howard was pissed of and in no good mood, since he just found out that he had a security breach to deal with at his company while all the other shit was pilling up at SHIELD as well. 

Of course his son would dare to take a break from his important studies to such a disastrous time as well to pay a visit at home instead of investing his precious time in learning and honing his god given talents. 

Under other circumstances Howard might have enjoyed seeing his elder again, after such a long time apart from each other, but now he had other worries to take care of while the young trouble magnet was resting at home peacefully with no one there to supervise him as Maria - if she was presentable - was already busy enough with his youngest, who was thankfully not like his brother and knew how to stay silent. 

————-

Days passed without a conversation between father and son taking place, while Tony either buried himself in his books or went to Arno to entertain the toddler. 

He helped the housemaids with feeding his brother, as the younger Stark grew frustrated with food more and more over the short period of tim, before refusing to eat anything at all, exclaiming petulantly how he was not hungry and the food was icky. 

That was when Tony realised something was very off. Of course he had noticed some odd stuff already some days ago, but he had not given it any second thought. 

For example his brother did not laugh as much as he used to, sleep longer during the day and wake up at the oddest hours during the night, throw his blanket off or cuddle more with Tony, saying how warm he was.

Such behaviour was strange for his brother and when Tony tried to remember what he saw on a tv show how to check on toddlers, he took the temperature and cursed. 

His small brother was far too hot. 

“SHIT!”

That was not even the worst thing. The Stark household had a tradition, so the housemaids and servants could relax from their stressful jobs once in a while. 

Every last Sunday of a month, all stuff employed by Mister and Misses Stark got a day off. 

This meant, that Tony was completely alone, since his father was off working and his mother was hiding in her room and not being responsive. 

———-

Jarvis held the bony hand of the skeletal woman resting beneath the clinical white sheets. 

“I understand, Ed. You don’t have to keep watching me die. We know the end is not avoidable anymore. Go. Check on the boys. They need you.”

“But what if I -“

“Go, before I stand up and drag you out myself. Just because I lost some pounds, it doesn’t mean I cannot push your dumb ass around anymore.”

“Alright.”

“Hurry. Something tells me, that they need you very much right now”

—————

Tony had tried make an emergency call, failing at it as he had stupidly forgotten the number, something so banal and easy to remember for such life threatening cases. 

Runmaging through every single of his memory desperately while his heartbeat was fastening with every second, Tony lost himself more and more in the darkness, which was the feeling of complete helplessness. 

Dumb. 

Stupid. 

Disappointment!

He had no single bit of knowledge how to help his brother except trying to cool him down with one of his father’s whisky bottles from the freezer. 

And then to make things even worse as he was breathing unsteadily, while sitting his his back against the wall with the landline hanging above him and Arno laying sweating in his lap, his brother started wailing. 

His brother did almost never cry. 

The only time he had heard him cry was for a moment after his birth and even then, Arno grew silent very soon. 

Now he was wailing, shrieking and crying out as if he was on fire - which he was in a metaphorical as his body was heating up and cooking all the proteins in his cells.

“Master?”

As if god had heard his prayers, the family butler suddenly appeared out of nowhere like an angel.

————

“I can not remember much after that. Most I have blanked out, repressed or already forgotten. Jarvis told me, that he had driven us to the hospitals, where the doctors immediately took care off Arno. But we were too late. The infection that had developed due our combined absence and ignorance of his worsening health lead to multiple organ failure and he died suffocating miserably after his lungs had collapsed several times.”

Clint stared shocked at his teammate, as he couldn’t believe this tragic story while he knew Tony wouldn’t lie about something so serious. 

“When we came home, Jarvis told me, and informed my parents of the tragic news, Howard broke down crying, while Mom slapped him, insulting him how he had neglected their son before joining him. I then apparently had shouted at him, blaming Arno’s death as well on him, before running away. Jarvis had to bring me home, wet and freezing from the bloody rain.”

“I really don’t know what to say, man. This... i mean... shit. No wonder you hate it, whenever some idiot mentions your dad.”

“Yeah. Can’t fathom why Capsicle is still in love with that asshole. We did not even have a real funeral for Arno. That bastard simply threw Arno’s then so lifeless corpse into the same grave that Ana, Jarvis wife, was resting in, before covering it with dirt.”

“Does anybody know? Except me?”

“Just Rhodey. He had to piece together the shards that used to be my heart after Arno’s death. Even now I feel like a piece is missing.”


	2. Where Tony being an ass and has a great ass is a generally accepted fact even included on his wikipedia page

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically someone getting (almost) hurt, Tony being a goddamn mother-hen (again) and a lot of arguing.

After the horrendous conversation Tony had with Clint, he avoided the man as much as he could.

Yeah, sometimes, when the worries about the archer's health became to much, Tony went to the living room, kitchen or whatever other place the archer had chosen to spend his time in to check up on him.

But it made spending long periods of time difficult with his teammate, who gave him sympathetic glances, when he saw Tony.

After all, Clint was the second living person, who was aware of Arno Stark's existence.

Years of ignoring that part of his past and avoiding to even think about it made some of the long repressed emotions resurface and the backslash of it hit him quit strongly.

Hell, when he saw Clint on the next day after having taken care of the archer's wrist, he hurried to the bathroom and emptied his breakfast into the toilet bowl, while the feeling of utter helplessness made his bloody mind hazy as he saw his brother's face frowning in pain.

Natasha was the only one, who noticed his sudden change in behaviour, whenever he was in Clint's presence, and shot him sometimes confused glances to which he responded with his popular fake smiles normally reserved for the press.

It took him almost a month, until Clint's presence was bearable again and not triggering the urge to throw up into the nearest bin or toilet bowl.

Not that any of his oblivious teammates would have noticed, excluding Clint, who knew his tragic story, and Nat, who always knew more than she let on and was a perceptive bitch.

They were in the gym at the tower and trained as a team, fighting against some drones Tony built especially for these occasions, when the genius noticed, that something was off with cap.

One of the drones had managed to get past the enhanced senses of the supersoldier and fired a dye filled gelatine capsule, hitting the world war two veteran directly in the neck.

Tony, who was aware of the extent of the enhanced's abilities, and had watched the man fight uncountable times, switched to doctor mode - if he could describe that state of mind as such - while JARVIS announced, "Captain Steven Rogers is down. Chance of survival: 0,3%"

Before Tony was able to ask, what was uo with him, the soldier swayed dangerously and tripped almost over his feet as if the floor was moving beneath them, if it weren't for Thor catching him and muttering," Carefully, Captain. It would do you not any good to fall and hit your head."

  
Clint exchanged a look with Tony, silently asking him, if he could maybe do a check up on Steve, who disliked the whole concept of seeing a doctor after the half of his childhood consisted of doctor visits and hospital stays.

He inconspicuously nodded, to which Natasha reacted with a raised eyebrow, before he turned to Steve, who was about to pick up his shield and keep on training as if nothing had happened in the last five minutes.

"Steven Grant Rogers, if you even dare thinking about fighting now, I'll kick you in your ass, shoot at you with my repulsor beam and then fire a missile directed to that stubborn brain of yours, that thinks seeking a doctor's help is a mistake!", he shouted furiously, making everyone freeze in the room, as he once again was reminded of a boy, for whom all help came too late. 

The shield fell down to the floor once again, clanging loudly as it did so, when Steve stared startled at Tony, not having anticipated such a angry reaction.

"I-"

"Spare me with your bloody excuses. You and me. Medical bay. NOW!"

Clearly intimidated by Tony's change of mood the soldier heeded skirmishly to his commands, following the enraged billionaire, while their teammates exchanged looks, trying to make sense of what had just happened.

Clint's expression remained neutral with just a tinge of worry only Nat could recognise after having known her friend for years. He shook his head, when he saw her lips move and about to sound a question, that was not his to answer.

\----  
"Tony, I am fin-", Steve started to say, sitting on one of the hospital beds at the medical bay, while the other man hastily scurried around, reorgasing some of the equipment surrounding them. 

"If you were about to utter the word 'fine' in my presence after you got shot by a drone I know you should have noticed and then almost fainting as well in the middle of the training, I might find a loaded gun laying around somewhere and reconsider putting a bullet between your pretty eyes."

Tony's voice sounded very strained and did not hold any of the normally playful sarcastic humour, as he snapped at Steve's attempt to reassure him of not needing any help. 

"Now, I tell you about this smart idea I have! Instead of trying and failing with your dumb excuses, tell me what is wrong and if you have felt sick recently? Headaches, dizzy spells, anything!" 

"Do you even know about this kind of stuff-" 

"Steve, please do not insult me any further with this assumption of yours. It may sound shocking to you, but I do indeed know about this sort of stuff otherwise known the human body, because I have several degrees and PhD in different branches of medicine."

"Why did you never say anything?" 

"I... it is not something I really like to brag about. People just tend to ask questions. Everyone knows I am careless, self destructive and have almost no regard for my own health. How surprising would it be, if I knew exactly how much damage such a behaviour does to the body? How much damage my weapons used to wreck, when the shrapnels pernetrated the skin or their shockwaves were strong enough to break bones? "

" But... why? I though you were an engineer? "

"Engineer barely grasps the various disciplines I studied and is just as insulting. As for the why, you wouldn't like the answer, since you think so highly of your beloved friend Howard. What a monster would I be to destroy your opinion of him?" 

"I do not understand. What does Howard have to do with it?" 

"Of course you wouldn't. After all, Howard was such a good man, if I am not wrong, even dozen times better than me, right? Well, I might feel gracious enough to reveal some of my darkest secrets to you, precious Captain America. Just tell me, why did you have a dizzy spell? "

"I... I didn't sleep well." 

"How long?" 

"How long I slept?" 

"No, you dummy. How long have you been havimg nightmares, that made you wake up in the middle of the night. I can see the dark circles around your eyes just fine."

"I though you did not want to hear the word 'fine'" 

"Stop distracting me by being a smartass, Rogers. Answer the question."

"I wouldn't be such an ass, if you would accept, that I don't need your help Tony. Yes, I have nightmares, but this ain't my first rodeo. Hell, I had the frickin' spanish flu and survived. Some fricking dreams won't kill me." 

"Yes, they will if your perception and reaction time is slowed due to the apparent lack of sleep just like today and someone else than me shoots you, guts you or maybe you get a dizzy spell while fighting on a rooftop and trip over the edge, plummenting to your death, because your so called 'fricking dreams' "

" Why do you even care? "

" Why not? Hell, I am an arse sometimes but I am not fucking heartless. I will not let somebody else die on my watch! "

" Somebody else? "

" Newsflash, Cap: I have a brother. Well, not have. I had. He had a harmless ear infection, that could have been easily treated if anyone had given him proper attention."

But since Howard had to deal with some problems, threatening the dafety of the US or the world - I can't remember, what his excuse was that time - he could not be bothered by a toddler." 

"Mom didn't want to talk had locked herself into her bedroom. A close friend of our family had been away, doing a favour for my father." 

"Also, there was the staff, but they had other stuff to do instead of paying attention to a toddler."

"That left me. I just returned from boarding school for the holidays and haven't seen my family in months. Even before I barely spent time with my younger sibling, despite my efforts, because I was too busy with schoolwork. Therefore - including I had no idea how to deal with children - I was clueless of my brother's poor health until the infection spread too far."

" When I finally noticed something was wrong, it already had been far too late for my brother. None of the antibiotics worked anymore and i watched my favourite person die painfully by suffocating due his lungs collapsing."

"Not that I could remember the hospital stay. The friend of the family, who had brought my brother and me there after he returned to the mansion, told me afterwards, what happened, when I could not recall my own memories and begged him frantically, where my brother was."

"So please, do not lie to me ever again, when you are not fine. I won't worry any less, I won't sleep better without knowing how you are. On the contrary! The more you lie and hide, the more I worry I might have to relieve this awful experience again, because I failed to help you."

"Alright."

"Now let's try answering my question again: How long have you had nightmares?" 

"I had some after Bucky's- my friend's death, but they became worse, when I woke up after having just crashed with the plane 70 years in the future with everyone I knew either dead or having moved on with their life, making it impossible for me to reconnect."

"Wow- I did not expect so much honesty!" 

"I think, I owed you an explanation."

"Yeah, you did. Still, didn't mean that you needed to explain everything right now."

"Didn't it?" 

"Alright, I am an annoying asshole who would not have let you leave without some kind of proper explanation. Still. I didn't expect one. You aren't the type to be open about your issues."

"So what does my doctor say? Any recommendations?" 

"Yes, quite a lot. I heard there was a self help group gathering every Wednesday to exchange their experiences from the war. Age range 30 to antic Capsicles. Might not hurt to try it." 

"You are serious about this?" 

"Yeah, I am. I did not study medicine for fun. Also, I will look up a therapist for you. A good one, who does know what a NDA is and won't sell America's Golden Boy's secrets to some cheap magazines." 

"A therapist-" 

"You need somebody certified to talk with. While you can always come to me, it would be better for you to share some stuff with a third party, who does not have some personal connection to you and therefore not making you afraid of scarimg them away with said stuff."

"But-"

"How many times do I have to repeat my threat of shooting you, until you understand, that I will never accept your dumb excuse of being fine. We both know you aren't. Hell, even I am mess. Actually I am even more messed up than you, but I see a therapist."

"How long will you try to persuade me to be smart and follow your advice?" 

"Until the end of the line, darling." 

"You are an ass."

"That's a generally accepted fact, which is even included on my Wikipedia page. By the way, the page has even an entry how awesome my ass looks like. I can recall the terms 'divine' and 'masterpiece'" 

"Yeah. The same paragraph mentioned, that compared to my ass, yours is still inferior." 

"How dare you!!!!" 

"Doctor Stark, I would recommend some ice for that burn. It looks pretty bad."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story does not include any relationShips such as Stony, Pepperoni or Sciencebros. But you are still allowed to interpret the interactions between the characters as proof for any ships, if you desire to.
> 
> :) 
> 
> (Did somebody ask for an update? It's been such a long time and so many fruitless prompts had been lost to said time...)

**Author's Note:**

> This work started with a single thought about...
> 
> “What if Tony was a truly anxious mother m-hen whenever somebody was hurt and had a goddamn reason for his awful behaviour?”
> 
> BTW - Need a beta reader and would appreciate some critic.


End file.
